Wednesday, April 6, 2016
I have always have ideal type. I think who doesn't right?
But in the list I think most of it are superficial. - Not so Tall as long as he is taller than me, Fair, Average Looking, Non-smoker...... and the list goes on and on.
I kind of have this list for a while. & I would never have guessed this could happen to me.
Someone just came and messed with my ideals. Like literally all of it.
It all started oh-so-innocently. As classmates. And it seems normal to PM each other about school and stuff. But when it gets too frequent, and everyday kind - people say. And they say it could be more than just purely classmates.
& these daily messages kept on going and i do not know when my heart swayed by his lil gestures. He remember details about me (which some i dont even remember). He wants to know about my days - how mundane it is. He is there to provide support.As much as I want to deny, these lil things somehow find a way to prick my heart.
And honestly up till today, I am unsure if all these are just because he is overfriendly.
Its scary. This whole experience.... but it feels right. It feels 'warmth' and 'secure'.
Like addictive. Waiting for a text.
I really really want to try to reduce this 'everyday-msg' thingy.
It feels nice. Yet scary. Cos he might not feel what I am starting to feel. & I don't want to be left stranded again. Especially when this is our last semester together.
I hope I am strong enough to let go of this blooming feelings before it becomes a heartache story all over again.
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Sesungguhnya Kau Maha Mengetahui
Kau mengerti isi hatiku tika lidah tidak mampu berbicara
Aku tak tahu apa rencana-Mu untukku
Jika soal cinta itu begitu mudah pada yang lain
Ia adalah ujian yang berat buat diriku
Kadang aku bertanya adakah tidak layak diri ini untuk mencintai dan dicintai
Ampunilah aku Ya Allah
Kerana seringkali tidak kuat dgn dugaan-Mu ini
Monday, February 1, 2016
It is already February! So fast! It has been chaotic for the past one month since 2016 started. Honestly, now that I am hypothyroid, it has been frustrating!
Because now I am easily more tired. I don't really have that much strength than I used to. I sometimes have muscle spasm.
I kept telling myself that i need to get used to all these lil things as long as there is no cancer cell, I should be grateful.
Me being me, it is still kind of hard to be positive amidst the negativity that is more visible to the eyes. As I am typing this, I am sipping fruit juice - a promise that I made to myself. Drink fruit juice everyday before brunch or lunch. I think i'm falling in love with the combination of Watermelon+Orange juice. Heh.
Oh! Did I mention that practicum has started? Scarrrryyyyyyy but as of now, it is still quite manageable. Heh.
Alright. Gotta get some work done.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
It is the New Year Eve. In less than 4 hours, we will be ushering 2016. Time sure flies fast. Work and school will be starting soon. As much as I am dreading the fact of juggling these two yet again, do I have a choice?
Well, actually I do. I can quit right? Haha. Nobody is forcing me anyway. The thing is it is already halfway through the whole journey. Why quit halfway anyway? Just persevere on I guess. In Shaa Allah.
Honestly, if there is one thing im hoping for in 2016 – luck in love. Sounds funny right. Oh wells, I hope in 2016 cupid strikes both ways. Not just me alone. ;) ahakz.
There’s so many things I want to update but been feeling under the weather since this afternoon. Will update when I feel better then.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
Mianhae! Have not been blogging since the first post.
Well, where should I begin?
To start it off, I think 2015 has been a very draining year. As I recalled the things that have happened, the whole experience was both physically and mentally challenging.
I lost my beloved maternal grandmother in April. I swear it was the worse feeling ever when you get a phone call and the paramedic says "I hope you will be strong. Your grandmother has passed away few minutes ago." You think those scene of 'Legs give way, Phone fell. ~ When you received such phonecall only exist in drama' I tell you it happened to me. Up till today, I can still feel that painful moments. Breaking the news to every uncle, aunty and cousins. I shuddered at the memory of it. It has been 8 months. Sometimes, I will just stare at the space that she had occupied and it still feel like a dream that she is no longer around. Mom said that if grandma is still around, she wouldnt want to leave our house (to go to the other cousin's houses). She will want to stay put knowing that I am not well. & I couldnt have agree more.
I miss my grandma. I thank Allah for giving our family that 8 months with her before He took her home. The only regret I ever have is not being able to say 'I Love You' straight to her face, when she was still alive. I pray that wherever she is, and if ever there is a possibility to send her a message, I want her to know that I love her sooooooo much and Thank You for being the best grandma I can ever have.
Come July-August 2015, It was another cycle of hospital trips because of the deteriorating health of paternal grandfather. After battling so many illnesses for the past few months, he succumbed and passed away in August. I am not close with my paternal grandparents since young. Still, that does not make the pain of losing a grandparent any lesser.
Me, on the other hand, was busy with my own hospital trips. To and fro NTFGH and in the midst of family mourning over grandfather's death, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer Stage 1. My life changed 360degrees. I broke down many times on the prayer mat. Not because of the illness, but I felt like a sinner for being such a burden to my family. I cannot imagine the agony that my parents felt upon hearing the news. All the more for my dad, who barely a week before, lost his father to blood cancer.
The operation was scheduled pretty fast and to cut things short, I was glad that it went well. I had total thyroidectomy and it took about 6hours before I was awake and wheeled to the ward. Nothing beats the feeling of waking up after a surgery and seeing your family members again. And for the next four days that I was warded, friends, family, colleagues and even the wonderful 4T1 students came to visit. I was never lonely during the visiting hours. As I looked back at that period, I think Allah is teaching me a very valuable lesson. I AM loved by many.
Honestly, the past 25 years of my life, I always felt that I am never good enough. I am never loved enough. Through this ordeal, I felt so blessed when people took time to visit me. People took time to send me messages of encouragement. And the 4T1 students who constantly pestering me to allow them to come, I have never felt soooooo much love. That 25 years of being a lil less loved, Allah showed me LOVE in that four days. :) Recovery after surgery was tough. That scar on my neck, I never knew it is healing or is it not. I get paranoid over the lil changes on the wound. But the weekly check-ups allow the doc to knock some sense & patience into me. And the full recovery takes about 6months minimum!
It has been 3 months since the surgery. The wound is still not fully recovered. And I just went for the Radioactive Treatment last week. The RAI experience was a lonely one, I tell you. Had to be isolated from loved ones for 3D2N and had to stay away from pregnant woman and young children for 3 weeks. Such an agony. Another eye opening experience I had during this treatment process is about counting my blessing despite being thyroid-less now. How so?
Well, beside me, there were 6 more patients undergoing the RAI treatment. When I looked at them, I wanted to cry. Because they went through far more than me. There are elderly in wheelchair, man who has to be on breathing tube and a scar literally from ear to ear and my roommate who has yet to regain her normal voice even after a month done with Thyroidectomy. When I looked at them, I had a kind of anger at my own self.
I told myself, after that day, I should learn to be a human being that is more grateful to her Creator. I need to learn to count my blessing despite my condition, for I did not suffer any major complications. Praises to Allah.
The me in 2014 and the 'me' I am right now, I can hardly believe how much I have changed. 2015 has been rough. From the time I decided to don the hijab for good, the time I decided I need to a better person, Allah gives me tests,one after another.
Maybe Allah is testing me. And for that countless times that I broke down, I knew I could easily fall into depression. But somehow Allah gives me strengths, gives me good support system which never allow me to go down defeated.
Right now, I am responding well to the RAI treatment. And my body is adjusting and adapting to medication. In Shaa Allah, I will be back on track in terms of work, career and spirituality.
Saturday, November 28, 2015
New blogspot. Took me a while to learn back how to deal with this. I had my blogspot that I used for the past few years but I decided it was good to start all over again. A fresh start.
Just like me.
A different lady.
The 'old' me who own that previous blogspot will never have thought that she will don the hijab, at all.
But Alhamdulillah, this is what I called "Miracle" or "Hidayah" from Allah S.W.T
I wanted to have this blog as a platform to express things that sometimes I find it hard to express it through my lips.
as the blog name suggest: seoulconfessor.
a blog where me - a seoul lover, confesses or rants on this platform.
Will not talk much for this post. Will start my first official post soon. In Shaa Allah.